Have you ever felt the Lord nudging you to move, speak, share, or pray and you’re not quite sure what to do? I have had this overwhelming feeling to stop what I was doing and share something about myself that not many people know about me this “something” has shaped who I am as a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and every other aspect of my life.
When I was about 9 years old I was sexually victimized by a family member (this went on for a number of years). Because of the trauma I experienced I learned to push my feelings down, if I had feelings, then I would have to deal with pain, so great I thought I would die if I uttered it to anyone, a hurt so deep I honestly didn’t believe it would ever heal. I carried this burden around like it was luggage or a souvenir, only I couldn’t escape this pain with a trip, a relationship, even after having my first child or getting married helped. This would begin a life of not trusting people and relying only on myself, I didn’t need anyone but I longed for deeper relationships with those I loved but didn’t know how to get there. I would only allow those around me to get to a certain point and then I would put a barrier between us. What if they didn’t like me if they knew? What if they thought it was my fault? So I went through life pretty normally on the surface, but inside I was a scared, insecure child that wanted to be rescued from this pain.
I didn’t share my past with my husband until we were married for over 10 years. He was so sweet and loving but in over his head he didn’t know how to help me, I was so angry , guarded and hell bent on keeping everybody out including my husband. Living beyond the surface was too scary and since I couldn’t control how a person loved me I just kept them at arms length.
Shortly after I told my husband about my past my mom came to live with us, I tried to get it together for my mom by pretending I was okay and again stuffed my feelings. One of my co-workers invited me to her church I knew church was very important to my mom so we began to go to church. I hadn’t gone to church regularly since I was a teen, I was angry with God I didn’t understand why he didn’t protect me. The more I came to church my real “feelings” would creep up, memories began to flood back and I honestly thought if I didn’t tell someone I would totally loose it. I became a believer as did my then 9 year old daughter. I mistakenly thought I would be healed immediately and be done with all of this pain. (by this time I was carrying this baggage for over twenty years). The Lord began to soften my heart to be more open with my husband, God was freeing me from this bondage that was slowly killing me. My husband saw me changing and he wanted what I had, he couldn’t believe that I was letting him in and that I was beginning to heal. He was saved a few months later, along with my stepson.
For the first time in my life I felt there was hope for me and I wasn’t damaged goods. I went to counseling through my church for many, many months. I remember one session the counselor told me as I shared my story how totally detached I was and that I had zero emotion sharing what happened to me. The thought of feeling, frightened me but I had to embrace this pain so that I could move beyond it. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I made peace with that little girl and I now knew that God is real and He did love me and He was with me even in my darkest hour, even when I didn’t know him and didn’t want to know Him He was there!
I sought out women in the church to befriend which was so outside of my comfort zone, I was involved in small groups and ministry. Even when hard things happened I didn’t push those feelings aside I embraced them; I know that sounds crazy but when you have lived your life without really feeling anything, you’re just numb. As I dove into my new relationship with the Lord He gave me more than salvation He gave me a special gift, a new desire to dream to not play it safe and trust Him. Most children growing up, dream to be an athlete, an actress, doctor or whatever I couldn’t imagine being anything I just wanted to keep as far away from the pain as I could get. As the Lord continued to cradle me and heal my battered heart and rebuild me in my brokenness, the desire to dream kept coming but I was scared so I pushed my dreams aside.
I have always had a heart for younger women to encourage, be a safe nonjudgmental confidant, something I really didn’t have. This blog is a part of me dreaming to be comfortable enough to share. I am purposefully sharing my life, because I know there are other women who have a stories like mine but are ashamed or scared. That horrible secret kept me bound but sharing my testimony freed me! I am no longer shackled to my past and insecurities. My life is far from perfect; but I know the One who is perfect He has healed my soul! I am no longer in the shadows. Because of the pain I have experienced I have a tender spot for those that are overlooked, and under valued, unappreciated and wounded. Luke 4:18 The Sprit of the Lord is on Me, because He has anointed Me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim freedom to the captives and recovery of sight the blind to set free the oppressed. (Jesus set me free)
My blog with all the self-care, makeup, reviews and all the other things I love about being a woman are apart of who I am and who many of you are. We can love our families, love the Lord but do we extend that same love and grace to ourselves? I can now say I love who God has made me.
Psalm 139:14-16 (MSG) Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb. I thank you, High God-you’re breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I worship in adoration-what a creation! You know me inside and out, you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing to something. Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all of the stages of my life were spread out before you, The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day.
What are your dreams? What is your why? Are you holding on to past hurts? ( loss of a child, financial woes, divorce, a wayward child, abuse, etc.) Are you living numb or just surviving? Are you living free?